YAY. i'm happy this way.
today has been like a really weird day
i think xinmun's moodswings have rubbed of me.
just feel damn stressed over everything.

NO PROGRESS.(okay maybe a teenyweeny bit)
and i really dun want to be bothered anymore.
MAJOR character difference
LOLS.

í feel quite sad cause i really cannot maintain my stupid friendships.
(maybe cause their all superficial?) it's like i dun even talk to anyone anymore except joycelin.
that's right i don't even talk to xinmun... cause it's either i'm stone or she's stone D:
i guess we have way much in difference D:

HAHAS. and she gets way irritated at my messy ways 0.o.
i miss linxuan/; okay goal for term 2 is to talk to xinmun more and payattention.
cancel the rest. IMPOSSIBLE TO DO THEM ALL.

*************
to tell the absolute truth, i was damnzxc sad today.
for i dunno what reason. maybe many.
maybe cause i feel so damn disappointed about pesa and idunno. i just want to forget it.
so much about having talents. D:

maybe cause it feels likethe whole world hates me and that i'm super mean and self centred and act pity whatever.

maybe cause i am freaking scared about the up coming test. AND i left my bleedy bio file in school D: and i dun understand bio chem phyy mathxzx. D; and chinese. AND SCS.

and maybe cause i feel so alone. God i need you.

ohwells. "come to me all those weary and burdened and i will give you rest"
"i am beautifully and wonderfully made" "God's grace is sufficient for me" and "ask and you will recieve"

God please forgive me for my terrible sins D:

**********

HAHAS! anws today lessons was extremly boring cause i changed place with xm and nobody talked to me at all. almost died. ohwells who ask me change place hor? :D

nehmind. it's for a good cause. XD

left immediately after school, had some doctors appointment. BYEBYE STINKING PIMPLES hates you to the core. ohhhwells it felt so much better to be at home that at school. the whole atmosphere is DIFFERENT.

suo wei: there's no place like home.

how true man.
***************

i need to step out of the emo phase. or whatever RIGHT NOW. RIGHT THIS MOMENT.
i need to stop boring joycelin with my incoherent tots and restricting her. BLAHHHS.
i need to walk closer to god and trust god finatially spiritually and in my studies.

harts God to the max.

kkz. i want to go watch girls out loud! PROMISE TO STUDY TOMORROW.

jiayou FSD RVNCC :D:D

i promise to do my hw soon BUT FOR NOW....


WATCH GIRLS OUT LOUD!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2S3tw0NohLo&feature=related

i guess it's part of life.

hates life.

somebody give me a HUG.

i want to spam sweets.

i want to stay at home and rot forever.

tomorrow is a friday. can't wait.

bye. i want to go to church/

TOMORROW! PLEASE LORD HELP ME!

the higher your expectations the greater the disapointment, gosh i should have lowered my expectations right at the beginning.

*****

anws.

today is a WEDNESDAY! life with derek! :D
went out with 4c girls today, had fun!

BOO. blog more about it next time.

adgenda for today:

1, complete phy,
2. practise speech
3. watch life w derek
4. search impromtu speech topics.
5. pray pray pray.


anymore????

kz whatever i dun want to be emo anymore.
being emo is detrimental to my health

RESOULUTIONS KEEP IT UP! :D

maybe how bout these resolutions:

1. i'm not going to sterotype.
2. i'm going to obey god and repent.
3. i'm really going to fast.
4. i'm going to talk to xinmun 24/7 until she asks me to shut up/
5. i'll not bring my mirror to school anymore
6. i'm going to get fake specs
7. i'm going to complete my holiday homework asap.
8. i'm going to practise my pesa speech asap. ( PRELIMINARY ROUNDS THURS!! ZOMG)
9. i'm going to pray and read the bible for one hour everyday.
10. i'm going to be a wall flower at the back of the class and not make loud unruly noises.
11. i'm going to mug.
12. i'm going to stop blogging so frequently
13. i'm going to stop napping.
14. i'm going to PRAY PRAY PRAY.

okay stone. i going to smile and go the mile.

HAHAHAHAHHA.

love love love like never before.

God please bless me D;
i will obey you from todayy.

and i caught the emo bug all over again.

school started today, it was a "blast"
lessons per normal was extremely unbearable.
it's like being taken out of paradise and thrown in to a bustling road where you have to struggle through the throng of people just to reach that ultimate destination. GPA 3.2.

i'm tired of trying not to bother about what people say or blah.
cause i can't. i get super affected easily. and i don't know.... i'm not super woman.
i can't conceal my feelings.

andand maybe i'm like xinmun building hatred inside of me. it's like hatred a contagious disease that slowly conquers every part of your body. soul. and mind. and you can't avoid it.
actually no. i don't really have hatred inside of me, all i have is this numbness D:
i wish i were everything i ain't now. i wish i was exactly the opposite.

i wish i were a joycelin or a xinmun or a someone mature.
someone that's discipline hardworking and not affected by anything.

the four walls of my room comfort me.
the four years spent is rv comes down to nada.
the four months this year has been terrible.
the four days more of school i have to sit through this week seems like eternity.
four is such a terrible vile word. i hate 2009.

okay whatever i don't really know what i'm blogging about.

okay i know i'm not supposed to blog anymore but whatever larh i need to blog to understand myself better. really don't know who i am D:

didn't go church today because dad came back from usa,
or maybe i could have gone but didn't want to go.
keep telling mum and dad i want to change church but...
i don't know.

maybe i just want to go back to the days when the whole family went to church together and had lunch together after that/;
maybe i miss hanging about with my parents cell group children...i just want to play and explore with them again D:

i want to be innocent all over again.

ohwells things will never ever be the same again.

okay whatever larh, don't want to think anymore.

*****

FRIDAY with BMT JUNIORS and LIMDIXUN

went out to do homework with the juniors on friday.
and was late HAHAS. joycelin arhh pass your tediousness to me.

ohwells anws by time i reached there they already ate fin and had started doing homework.
except joyclyn and cathy those siao ding dongs! hahas. they were like playing snap zzzz.

so i decided to hack homework and play with them.
SIRREOUSLY not going to bother bout homework anymore.
so while hardworking people like wendy and rachel were doing homework, joyclyn cathy and i were making a fool out of ourselves by making alot of noise. that earned us numerous stares from the people around us. HAHAHA.

hmms we did many embarrassing things at macs i guess, but heyy it's all normal... for them XD.
joycelyn did the stupid macdonald trick that only people like cathy would for fall it TWICE. Cathy was being herself. LOLS. super stupid. Rachel Wendy and I were like the only sane ones like can!! HAHAHA.

after macdonalds we went to vivo to play water. wendy and i were spared cause our best friends were there. joycelyn rachel and cathy were like wet shit. HAHAHAHAS! noobos larh they. rachel was super malu cause she kept shouting (at the top of her lungs) "I'm wearing black! i'm wearing black bra!!"ZZZ. hahhas!

after we were all wet in some sense, we started making body prints on the ground. boobs. butt. BLAH. anything that u can think of, we had a print! super funnaye. dixun came soon after and we headed of to training.boo.

i realised i've really lost all passion for bmt. i just don't feel like playing bmt anymore.
whatever.. but i enjoyed training on fri. surprisingly. maybe cause i didn't have to play at all.
:D

went out for dinner with juniors and xun after training . and went home.
so much for homework day.

********

why i like hanging with my juniors so much?

cause they are a nice break from all the emoness bmt emits.
they make me feel mature yet crazy and i dunno
they make me laugh.
really laugh.

and i love them. everyone single one of them.

********

ANYWAYS

i've got new resolutions/;
for term 2

1. i'm not going to talk to any guy unless absolutely necessary.
2. i'm not going to sleep in class
3. i'm going to achieve gpa 3.2
4. i'm going to go to church ontime every week
5. i'm going to sleep by 11 everyday
6. i'm going to fast from 11 to 5 everyday.
7. i'm going to talk to someone in class that i never talk with before.

okay thats all.

today's post will be a wordy post to commemerate the last day i'm going to use the computer this holidays.

i need to seriously get down to studying and mugging, the past 6 days have been like eat sleep play watch tv BLAH BLAH BLAH. and i really hate myself for being soso ill disciplined.
gayle lau sook han you must study! studying is good for you.

anws this holidays have been such a bore D:
haven't been doing much but gushing and going gaga at stupid korean stars who look super handsome. Spent half my time searching the internet trying to guess whether they have undergone the knife aka plastic surgery cause they seriously look too good to be true D: BOO.

sometimes i wonder what stops us from doing somethings that we want to do. why do we sit during lessons instead of standing? why do we even bother to listen to the teachers? what makes listening to the teachers the "right" thing? what defines right and wrong? why do we feel guilty?
andandand why do we like "handsome" or "pretty" people?

it's really really weird how our minds work, how we are similar yet soso different, how we have different thumb prints, how we think we are all high and mighty all so better then animals, ants blah blahblah.

some times i imagine myself... no i imagine the whole world as a ant house, we are just ants in a bigger world out there... maybe we are just ants to idunnowho. OHMAN. hate it when i start thinking weird like this. it just leads to nowhere. nothing. zilch. nada.

nothing is something right??

okay whatever.

anws i think i'm super dead now in the sense that i don't feel like singing so much.
í'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my love~~~~

HAHAS.
okay i take that back i still love singing.

it's just that i don't feel like mantaining conversations that i don't feel like mantaining anymore
i don't feel like talking so much. and i'm getting soso sick of msn and all the emoticons :D:D:D BLAHH. hahas. but nahh i'll figure what's wrong with me in time... so until then bear with me please! kz.

tuesday was the onlyday i really went out this holidays,
we were supposed to go scavanging for chio cheap clothes but hahas joyceling woke up late.
nownow doesn't that NOT suprise you. we were supposed to meet at 10 at commonwealth but we ended up meeting at 1250 at fareast plaza, hahas.

ended up eating the value meal macs meal. GAHS. she treated me! lols. happyy!
it's nice to let ur hair down once in awhile it's nice to not have to study. we talkedddd about i don't know what but i guess we talked. after lunch we went window shopping and joycelin loves jeans! she bought liqins pressent and i bought pressents!! HAHAS.

ohwells then we went to cine to take neos and blahhs camwhore blahhs. blahhs. it was quite funny actually! cause we were like xiaozhabos. boo. walked to douby and bade farewelll.
LALAS.

it was funn larh. it's just that now i'm so not inthe mood to blog.

rawrrrrrrrrrrrr

okay whatever. i'm not inthe mood to blog cause i feel terrible blogging when i have a stack of homework beside me D:


RAWRRRRRR.

kkkz bye.

TELL ME HOW TO FEEL HAPPY.

i feel terribly sad now and i don't know why.

happiness just do not last more then 48hrs.

D:


i want to feel happy.

D:

tell me why i ain't turning to god anymore.

tell me why i feel like escaping church.

tell me why. no what is wrong with me.

b0000.

i want to love god again.

booooo.

i want to love church again.

booo.

i want to love again.

tuesday is my playday.
and i had fun with my playdate.


who is also a noob shit XD


had fun today. thanks joycelinwong. go out again kz.

gahs tell u more about it later she has all the fugly pics anw. i have alot of HER fugly pics. ohwells, i'm an incoherent piece of shit. BOO.

AND I HARTS HER YELLOW SHI(r)T.

&
&
&
&
&'
&
&


introducing a new type of burger :D
the joyceling burger (<3)

cause i know you want to eat her!

booya! linxuan totally got me addicted to toradora!!!
IT'S SO SO SO NICE! i'm at episode 8 now!! hehes.

anws joycelinggg tell me when when when we going out!! :D

the funny thing is that, even though today was the worst day i ever had this year,
i finally feel truly happy :D

i mean look at all the terrible things that happened today:

1. JF totally daoed me in the bus
2. LKC hates me cause my chinese sucks,
3. mr bio got kinda pissed at me as well, cause i said i didn't want lessons ?
4. cleaned up the damn class room and no one came. LOL.
5. physics... need we talk about it?
6. i almost failed my LA.
7. and i have to rewrite it during the holidays.

tell me isn't today truly Friday the 13th?

anws.

i'm glad things have gotten so bad that it only can get better
i'm glad the 8 of us finally had lunch together. full attendance fyi.
i'm glad we had the trash talk.
and i'm glad i finally get a closure.


nice way to end the term ya?

HAPPPPPPPY!!!
cause the holidays are coming!!!

can't wait lerhhhh!


anws.

"it's better to have loved then never at all,
always help out when one falls
never compare to others thin and tall
cause i'll be there for you just give me a call.

i'll be there thick and thin,
just don't throw my love in the bin,
do i need to give you a hint?
that i love you and not him...

when you cry, i feel sad,
why is being nice just so bad??
and by the way you stupid cad,
i'm not mad and thats a fact!

i wanna shop and get nice things,
i just need somebody, maybe joyceling
i'll get shiny blings and
have a fling!

holiday's coming oh so soon,
that's why i feel so over the moon.
and tatas you little baboon
i have to sleep or i'll wake up at noon!

"maybe", such a stupid word that means nothing.


maybe i'm sad because mum's pms-ing and i can't watch icarly and life with derek.
maybe i'm sad because junwei doesn't believe i'm his mortal,
maybe i'm sad because i can't sit with linxuan anymore,
maybe i'm sad because nothing i do is good enough,
maybe i'm sad because i have nada discipline
maybe i'm sad because of your pm
maybe i'm sad because of bmt.
maybe i'm sad because of you.

maybe i'm happy because i'm changing place, yet maybe not so.
yet maybe i'm not be happy at all.

maybe i should stop being so self centered and stop lamenting over MY stupid problems and start caring more about OTHER people's well being.

maybe i need to step out of the me myself and i and embrace the you her him them.

maybe's suck.

crushes are stupid things HAHAHA.
one things for sure is that i'll never crush again.


anws


bmt training sucked
the jarring fact that i'm mediocre keeps popping up everytime during training and it makes me really pissed. pissed with myself( not you jan, shir, wendy.1e or any random person that actually bothers about whether i'm pissed) it's just so painful you know that you life has become like this. pathatic. booya i wish i could relive my life and be somebody that's smart, pretty and KIND or whatever larh.


whatever happened to my passion? can you believe that i actually CRIED to get into bmt? look at me now...
i bet you'll never guess.


i wish i never entered rv, i wish i never joined badminton.
may be cause i realised all my friendship comes down to moot.
i just want a best friend, please be my best friend.

it's funny how people say i pretend to be happy, cause you know what? pretending to be happy is inevitable, for me atleast. if i am sad and remain sad, tell me who would actually bother? no one?
oh wells maybe i should stop being so self-centered and MEAN. cause life's a piece of shit. grin and bear gayle.

oh whatever the point of this pointless post, anws shirlynn i can't be bothered anymore with being mean, cause in reality being mean only makes me hate myself more/; ( so please stop telling me to be mean ) whatever i felt about " mean is good" i take it back, what can i say? i'm fickle and hypocritic

further more, i cannot be mean anymore cause god wants us/me to be kind and i need to reflect him, grow closer to him asap. gahs go the second mile gayle, wendy's pm says it all.

well gone are the days of mean gayle. i need to be nicer, maybe then i can love myself more. love others more, love God more.

what can i say, time change, people change, surroundings change, and i have changed.





anws

i have no talents.

life's a blast.

and i hate it.

"I remember one set of twins in particular: Guido and Ina, aged about four. One day, Mengele took them away. When they returned, they were in a terrible state: they had been sewn together, back to back, like Siamese twins. Their wounds were infected and oozing pus. They screamed day and night. Then their parents – I remember the mother's name was Stella – managed to get some morphine and they killed the children in order to end their suffering"

D:

i harts big red shirts

life is a road that goes on forever.
leading you to happiness or never.

it’s all depends on the choices you make.
so your heart desires you must never fake.

trust that’s what’s a must.
cause by trusting we gain the samething.

always be unto others what you want others to do onto you.
love like u want to not because it’s a cue.

in life you must strive. be excellent and dilligent.
life’s only so short. cherish every thing even the simplest thought.

God made you special so don’t be superficial.
under everything believe.

believe in yourself cause you are a child of god and god has a plan for you.

even if it’s really hard to.

i've decided to be honest about my feelings flat out.
wrote this a long long time ago.

my feelings about bmt:
7thdecember 2008

not part of anything

not part of you. not part of her. not part of bmt. not part of 3c. not part of rv.

maybe that’s why i want to run away so badly.

yar so what if the 8 of us are bonded in the sense that we can sit tog and talk? what i’m was yearning for was the trust we used to have with each other. that’s all i was asking for. the reason why i fear rvb is because i no longer trust them anymore. and no matter how much i try to deny my hurt and pain and agony about the very fact that i no longer trust my “biggest part of rv” , i can’t. i’m breaking down so much that i don’t feel like doing anything for the team. i just feel like backing away from everything. forgeting them. they, forgetting me.

i hate myself. i hate having cliques. i just want a good friend a really really bestest friend that i can confide in. no more mingling no more mixing. CERTAINTY. i want to feel like i know my way. i don’t want to feel lost and unwanted anymore. and in reality, bmt can only give me the feeling of unwantedness.

NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TRY TO TELL/ DELUDE/ PSHYCO/ MANUPILATE myself in to thinking i’m wanted, nothing changes the basic truth that nobody needs me. question to self: WHY DO I NEED TO FEEL NEEDED? idk. all i know is that i’m not really needed anywhere. i’m just somebody that tags along somebody that’s redundant and useless.

maybe that’s why i yearn kathy’s friendship so bad. and i hurt so so so much still. in a way i’m still recovering from the cut that was left behind. the feeling of being abandoned, not needed, easily replaced. i guess that is the lion of my life. fear of being replaced. fear of being not needed. fear. fear. fear.

i fear bmt so much now that i don’t know where to start from. please i just want to go back in time and live there forever.

at least then i felt truely needed.

maybe that's how i still feel maybe not. i don't know anymore

failed my chinese again,
thought i would be able to pass.

oh wells life's a blast.

today was sad for many
i just feel like sleeping the thoughts away,

it's like i crumbling away, struggling to differentiate ( i know u hate integration!) between being unacceptably mean and being myself.

oh wells i give up on everything.
hates life.

peaceoutism.

first of i'm going to start blogging with more depth from now on. say bye to those shallow posts.
and if i made a bet with you on winning you in langarts test... I RETRACT my words. sucks it all back. english is so whatever.

and all this because my english (is going to) PHAIL.
hahs! but my english is still better then yours so poof of you apunehneh.

boo hates life.

OFFICIALLY took over the role of fart machine.

SIIIRIOUSLY !!!!

i fart wayyy too much. i bet i fart more then you.
let out a stink bomb in ikea today... hope you didn't lose appetite over it- poor unsuspecting victims of my nuclear bomb.

refering mainly to shirlynn janice, evelyn and the poor souls eating behind me/;
i swear i didn;t mean to fart D:
i couldn't help it.

hates macs.

school sucks. hates school. school for the blind!
brief summary:

morning assembly sucks cause it sucks listening to random rvians proclaim thoughts that i'm sure they don't really feel strongly for. anws most of the time we just get lectured on how to be a GOOD person. define good please.

PE sucks cause we have to run and build muscles that i so so so so so (x100000) want to lose. can't wait for 21years old when my muscles start to degenerate and i become ms skinny.
zomg. but i want to be healthy too. ms contradictory here in DA house! ohwells. i want to be skinny and healthy.

chem sucks cause mr chem isn't as fun as before, seriously speaking i've lost whatsoever lil interest i used to have for this dopey subject. GO BACK TO BEING NICE MR CHEM. i'm sure 4c will enjoy your lessons more. but ohwells what can i say? i'm a horrendous student. la BOO!

recess was LOL. i quite sad typing this out now but whocares luh. I AM A BIG LOSER.
while you were chomping happily on your duck rice, i was excercising my puny lil brain trying to solve sudoku puzzles &&&&&& (best thing) I AM PROUD TO ANNOUNCE, THAT AS OF TODAY... i'm.....*drumrolls*.....*drumrolls again*.....(super important news you see)......

A......

GRANDMASTER OF SOLVING SUDOKU PUZZLES!!!

pro nias :D i mean the closest some people can get to being grand... is like being a grandmother or something.... but not me!!! i'm officially a grand master :D ( boo actually linxuan helped ALOTTT. but you don't need to know that :D)

CID was national library. hoped to miss a bit of lessons but.... nooooo way mr cid's were going to be kind enough to let us of late again BOO. life's BOOO. quoted from joycelin. scared alot of fellow cid mates like chenyu annise jinglan jiemin ruolan zomggg.. must i name all? thinks i'm turning into an alien.. ZOMGGGGG.

linxuan! what have you done to me XD

anws the library was super silent. how do people survive in that kind of environment?

maths sucked. longest lesson of the day. sorry shir. no offence to mr math.
thought rats were going to drop from celling. realised i still fear.

oh wells i survived torture.
cause seee i'm here.

LANGARTS. yays ms goh said my compo was "messy" forgot her exact words but she meant i was out of point. good luck gayle.

funny quote of da day:

cram schools are schools where they put people in tiny boxes.
weisheng.


funny?!! i know it is.



LALALALALALAS. just glad school is over.

&&&&&&&


last but not least.


cca is a screwed piece of shit.


p/s i'm a hippo cryte.

hello susane.

it's been really long since i've written a letter to you...
don't ask me why write again now... i don't know. it could be hormones? it could be lust? it could be a surge of emotions or it could be randomness.

but all i know is that i feel terrible. i finally embraced God's purpose for me today i guess... Even though i don't know what is my purpose or where this purpose will lead me to all i know is that i must have faith (goh). BUT I STILL FEEL TERRIBLE CAUSE I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO START ON THE STUPID SPEECH/;

today i was late for school. i knew i was going to be late but i didn't try to hide or run away, for that I'm proud of myself.

i've spent a majority of my life trying to avoid punishment, lying and blaming others to get away. i rather hide in the darkness of my timidity then face up to the sword of righteousness and punishment and i'm sick of being THAT.... SUO TOU WU GUI.

i'm not going to run away anymore, gan zuo gan dang.

*********************************************

anws it suddenly seems as though langarts the only lesson i enjoy.
i'm going to start on my speech now.

GOD BLESS ME.

so much for starting over.

so much for moving on.

so much for this friendship.

so much for this life.

it's not that i didn't try, it's just that we're both still so hurt by everything we'll never be able to patch it back tog.

and i know what it feels like to be brushed of like you don't mean anything.

probably karma.