life is a road that goes on forever.
leading you to happiness or never.

it’s all depends on the choices you make.
so your heart desires you must never fake.

trust that’s what’s a must.
cause by trusting we gain the samething.

always be unto others what you want others to do onto you.
love like u want to not because it’s a cue.

in life you must strive. be excellent and dilligent.
life’s only so short. cherish every thing even the simplest thought.

God made you special so don’t be superficial.
under everything believe.

believe in yourself cause you are a child of god and god has a plan for you.

even if it’s really hard to.

i've decided to be honest about my feelings flat out.
wrote this a long long time ago.

my feelings about bmt:
7thdecember 2008

not part of anything

not part of you. not part of her. not part of bmt. not part of 3c. not part of rv.

maybe that’s why i want to run away so badly.

yar so what if the 8 of us are bonded in the sense that we can sit tog and talk? what i’m was yearning for was the trust we used to have with each other. that’s all i was asking for. the reason why i fear rvb is because i no longer trust them anymore. and no matter how much i try to deny my hurt and pain and agony about the very fact that i no longer trust my “biggest part of rv” , i can’t. i’m breaking down so much that i don’t feel like doing anything for the team. i just feel like backing away from everything. forgeting them. they, forgetting me.

i hate myself. i hate having cliques. i just want a good friend a really really bestest friend that i can confide in. no more mingling no more mixing. CERTAINTY. i want to feel like i know my way. i don’t want to feel lost and unwanted anymore. and in reality, bmt can only give me the feeling of unwantedness.

NO MATTER HOW MUCH I TRY TO TELL/ DELUDE/ PSHYCO/ MANUPILATE myself in to thinking i’m wanted, nothing changes the basic truth that nobody needs me. question to self: WHY DO I NEED TO FEEL NEEDED? idk. all i know is that i’m not really needed anywhere. i’m just somebody that tags along somebody that’s redundant and useless.

maybe that’s why i yearn kathy’s friendship so bad. and i hurt so so so much still. in a way i’m still recovering from the cut that was left behind. the feeling of being abandoned, not needed, easily replaced. i guess that is the lion of my life. fear of being replaced. fear of being not needed. fear. fear. fear.

i fear bmt so much now that i don’t know where to start from. please i just want to go back in time and live there forever.

at least then i felt truely needed.

maybe that's how i still feel maybe not. i don't know anymore