finding myself in the deep pangsai in life's asshole

"gayle has an esteem problem"

i can't seem to think straight, what the hell is an esteem problem?

self esteem: a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect.

so i have low self esteem, so i have low self respect.


zzz.

it's kinda true i guess i hate myself to the core
i can't find something worth liking myself about.
i'm sure if we have some class renunioun or something
i'll win the person with "the most screwed up life "title.
hmm or may maybe "ms eveyone knew won't go far and didn't go far"

at least i know i won't get pregnant at 16 or things like that (i hope)

********

i want to find a place where i actually belong in
i'm neither here nor there anymore, i've got no "base" no "HQ"
i feel so unloved, so unable to love.

show me how to live lord
i need you in my life i need you to teach me

in the past i used to take pride in my studies
be that little optimistic girl always hoping for a better future
but now it seems like i'll never be good enough, i'll never get that bloody scholarship so why even bother trying?
why even care?

seriously i can't be bothered anymore, doesn't the lord pave a way for my future?
zzz. somehow i know i must use the opportunities God has given me
and perform in school for him.

but somehow i always do somthing bad without thinking and warlas my life is a piece of screwed shit. as i do morre of these bad poop in my life,
i realise that nothing is ever gonna erase the mark, the stain.
the dirty ugly stain in my life.

i need to have a different brain. a brain that's happier.

i wanna change brain.

i think like and 80 year old woman,
THAT'S SO SCARYYYYYYYYYY!! D:

i'm going home. no wait i wait i've got no home to turn too.